Month: November 2018

Problem Solving & Conflict Resolution

Most of the “conflict” your child faces at this age centers around their bodily experiences of hunger, exhaustion, and discomfort. While it can be difficult to calm a screaming toddler who can’t tell you what’s wrong, sometimes a little detective work can lead to helpful solutions.

• When your little dissolves into tears, ask yourself, are they hungry or overtired? Have they fallen down or injured themselves? Is a favorite toy just out of reach? Are they scared of a loud noise or angry that you’re leaving the park?
  • Investigate whether your child is experiencing a physical sensation or an emotional reaction to better understand how you can help them.  
• Your toddler will need your guidance when they begin to fight with friends or squabble with siblings. Acknowledge your child’s feelings and narrate possible solutions for them. Since your child will not have language to talk about the conflict, you will need to identify the problem and potential solutions for them. If possible, try to allow your child to choose the solution.
  • For more information about the steps of problem solving, click here.

Conflict is not a “bad” thing – it’s a learning process!

Allow your child to encounter (age-appropriate) conflict with peers and family members. Giving them the chance to briefly struggle with the situation before stepping in to save the day can build confidence and set the foundation for resolving conflicts successfully in the future!

• Observe whether or not your toddler will share their blocks with a frustrated sibling before encouraging them play together or taking the blocks away.  

Responding to Not-So-Great Behaviors

Their behaviors have an impact.

As your baby becomes a daring and delightful toddler, they start to learn that their actions affect others. Blowing kisses and waving hello can lead to big smiles, while biting and hitting lead to frowns and tears.

• As your toddler gets a little older, talk to them to help them understand how their behavior affects others. For example, explain that pulling the cat’s tail or biting their sibling hurts! Talk about ways to treat others nicely.
• Your role is to teach your child to avoid conflict by understanding which behaviors are appropriate and safe, and which are not.

Establish basic safety rules and routines in your house.

Telling your little one to “take a break for a few minutes if you’re feeling angry,” or “find a grown-up to talk to when your upset,” teaches them to be safe and how to get along with others.

• Crying, biting, and hitting are all ways that children respond to anger. But shouting and lashing out increases conflict rather than lessening it.
• When you tell your child that it is not ok to hit, pinch, or throw things at others, provide them with alternative, helpful strategies for managing their frustration and avoiding conflict.
• Offer your toddler some tips on what they could do to get what they want without using unwanted behaviors.
• Physical consequences are never an appropriate punishment.
• Encourage them to use their words (“share, please?”) or go to an adult for food if they are hungry.

• Talk out loud about more “advanced” safety rules; saying “look both ways before we cross the street” and “let’s make sure we have our seatbelts on!”

Helping your child build empathy

Your toddler understands more than you realize!

You can begin to teach them empathy by demonstrating warmth and kindness in your relationships. Shower your little one with love and affection. How you respond to your child builds the framework for their growing understanding of others’ behavior.

You are your child’s biggest influence.

They are watching the way that you interact with your partner, your friends, and even the bus driver. Teach by example – even if the situation is imperfect or challenging.

• Your children understand more and more of your words, your tone of voice and your body language. Model the types of behavior that you want to see from your child.

Even when you’re juggling dinner, baths, and laundry, try to respond consistently to your child when they are uncomfortable or upset.  Parents are all just doing their best to comfort and care for their children; even the most attentive and understanding parents can’t always stop their child from feeling stress and discomfort.

• Communicate love to your child through cuddles and kisses and even the passing wink. Dance to music, read stories, and chase them around the house.  

Talking about conflict with your toddler

Help your toddler learn to recognize and manage their emotions!

This will help decrease conflict in your home.

Learning how to handle conflict is an important skill that can lead to strong relationships, academic success, and improved mental health. Knowing how to calm down when we’re feeling angry, upset, or frustrated is the first step to managing conflict – no matter our age.

Responding to Not-So-Great Behavior

Your child is still young, and needs your help to understand what types of behavior are acceptable and how to make positive choices.

• Establishing rules, both at home and at school, will help your child understand what is expected of them, and helps to draw connections between their choices and the impact on others. Setting limits and having clear expectations also lets kids know what will happen if they behave in ways that are hurtful or harmful to others.

• Help your child understand the potential outcomes of their behavior by using “if…then…” statements. For example, “If you pick up your toys, then I will take you outside to play” or “If you hit your little sister, then you will sit in time-out for 3 minutes.”

• Make a list of “Family Rules” together and hang them where everyone can see it.
  • Make sure your list is clear and direct.
  • Discuss why each rule is important (don’t just say, “because I said so”).
  • Keep this list short, with fewer than 10 rules.

What to do when the rules are broken:

• Talk to your child about the consequences for breaking rules. Make sure that they understand that they get to make choices about their behavior – but that breaking rules or being unkind will result in a consequence like postponing a favorite activity or asking for extra help with household chores.
• Make sure the consequences are realistic, and whether or not you’re going to be able to follow-through. If you need your kids to watch TV while you get things done, then taking away screen-time isn’t realistic.
  • Be consistent. If your child is allowed to bite her sister today without a consequence, they will be more likely to continue doing so anytime they want.
  • Physical consequences are never appropriate.  

On some days, your lovable little one seems more like a small monster.

During these moments, be on the lookout for signs that your child’s behavior is the result of fatigue, hunger, or overstimulation. Having your child “take a moment” to be alone is a healthy way to deal with strong feelings.

• Physical conflict (e.g. biting, punching, and hair pulling) needs to be addressed in order to keep your child (and others) safe. With other behaviors, however, it may be better to ignore them rather than give them attention.
• “Ignoring” only works if you completely shift your attention away from your child. If possible, walk to a different part of the room and start talking to someone else to convey that you are not paying attention – but never stray too far.
  • If you are in a public place, and others look to intervene, you can tell them “We are ignoring this behavior right now.”

Consistency is key.

If tantrums are something that you are going to ignore, you must do so each time your child has a meltdown. Talk to other important adults in your child’s life, such as teachers and family members, to make sure they understand what behaviors are being ignored and what “ignoring” really looks like.

• One frequent source of conflict is following directions. Parents give their little ones a LOT of instructions, and it can seem like your words go in one ear and out the other.  
  • Break your directions into manageable chunks to help your child understna dna remember what you want them to do.
  • Be specific! Instead of saying “clean up your mess,” use percise instructions like “put the crayong on the floor back into the box.”
  • Give your child a little bit of time to follow through. If you tell your child “get ready for school,” but immediately start doing it for them, you’re sending the message that your directions are meaningless and that you’ll complete the task for them.

Don’t give directions if you are not ready.

Telling your child to get ready to leave, but continuing to chat with other grown ups for another half an hour communicates to your little one that they don’t need to listen to your instructions.

Praising Behaviors That You Want to See

It’s easy to recognize undesirable behaviors – hitting, shoving, screaming.

But what about the wonderful things your child does every day? From staying in their seat during dinner to sharing a bite of their favorite snack, noticing and encouraging desirable behaviors can reduce conflict.

Be specific!

If your child does something “right,” like putting their toys away before you ask them to, make sure to say things like, “I’m so happy that you put your puzzle away as soon as play-time was over!”

• Saying “good job” is too vague – they may not understand what behavior you are praising.
• Praise can also be given with a smile or a pat on the shoulder.

There is no such thing as “too much” praise!

Some caregivers are reluctant to give compliments when children do things that are expected of them, like using their words in a fight or playing nicely with a sibling. Acknowledging behavior increases the likelihood that it will continue.

After an argument, find one desirable behavior to compliment or praise.

Even when it’s Difficult. Look for things like waiting for their turn to speak, or even just wearing their seatbelt correctly.

When appropriate, motivate your child with small rewards for their behavior.

• Rewards are earned, not given. Small items, like stickers, can be awesome motivators for your child to maintain or increase positive behaviors. Social rewards, such as a hug, thumbs-up, or a high-five doesn’t cost a thing!
• Small rewards can also be used to change or stop a “bad habit” or behavior. Give your child a sticker for every day that someone “catches” them making positive choices. Your child will learn to pay attention to their own behaviors, and get a little “boost” for making smart choices!

Helping your child build empathy

Your preschooler knows that others may have different thoughts and feelings than they do.

But they are still learning about how one person’s actions and words affect others. Managing and reducing conflict begins with empathy, kindness, and respect. We want our children to get along well with others, but we also want them to understand what to do when relationships don’t run smoothly.

• Create an atmosphere of respect and warmth in your own interactions with others. Use kind words with family members, and stay away from langauge that is harsh or judgmental.
• Look for opportunities to show your child that their behavior affects others (for better and worse!).

When they share a beloved toy, comment on their kindness toward others.

• If your child pushes their sibling, point out how upset they’ve made them.
• Acknowledge when your child comforts a friend, emphasizing their ability to make others feel better with a kind word or hug.

Talking about Conflict

Your kids are learning about their thoughts and feelings.

But handling those emotions can be overwhelming. Kids can’t think clearly when their emotions are high. Figuring out strategies to help your child settle is a huge step toward effective conflict management because it enables them to engage in a productive conversation.

Support your child’s efforts to handle conflict by helping them learn how to talk about a problem with others.

• Feeling sad, angry, or upset can be a signal that something is wrong. Ask your child to talk about how they are feeling. Have them practice using “I feel” phrases to describe the problem, instead of assigning blame to others.
• Remind your child that it’s okay to feel frustration and anger, but it’s not okay to express those feelings by hitting, pinching or screaming.
• Have your child tell you what happened and how it made them feel. Offer help if they are having trouble figuring out why they are upset. Is it because they fell and scraped their knee? Or because their brother laughed instead of helping them get up?

For simple, in-the-moment strategies to help your child sort through big feelings, click here.

Help your child pick an appropriate time and place to discuss their feelings with others.

The middle of the library or the doctor’s office may not be the best place to have a meaningful conversation about a recent fight. Find a quiet space where there is little chance of being interrupted.

• After both sides have discussed their reasons for being upset, ask them to repeat back why the other person is upset. Understanding others’ perspectives can help them appreciate how their actions may have contributed to a problem.
• Avoid taking sides! Limit conversations to include only the people who were involved.

Your child looks to you for guidance.

Modeling effective ways to deal with annoyances and irritations gives them a road map for their own emotional journey.

• Be mindful of the way you respond to stressors in your life. Show your child that it’s okay to feel frustrated and to talk about those feelings with others involved. Watching you address problems with other people helps them understand that conflict won’t ruin relationships or diminish love, but it could make the situation feel better.   
• Everyone loses their cool from time to time. The “perfect parent” is a myth. When you yell at your children or say something unkind, apologize. Let your child know that we are all responsible for our actions and words, at every age, and that you will be more mindful the next time you’re having a big feeling.

Helping Your Child Build Empathy

Your child is learning that their words and actions can have a big effect on those around them, and can lead to both positive and negative interactions with others. Building empathy is a strategy for reducing conflict by empowering your children to take other people’s perspective.

Be kind. It’s that simple.

Set a family “rule” to use kind words with others, instead of language that is cruel or hurtful. While this may be easy to do when peace rules your household, it can be a challenge to continue using kind and respectful words when you are stressed or frustrated with one another.  

• Discourage the use of name-calling. Words like “stupid” or “dumb” are put-downs that can cause conflict to escalate quickly. Even if your child picks up negative words or phrases, make it clear that they are not appropriate.
• Help your child to understand the ways in which their behaviors and words affect others, for better or worse. 
  • “Walking in someone else’s shoes” is easier said than done. It’s hard for a 6-year old to see something from another point of view. Like so many important skills, it requires practice.
  • Look for opportunities (in books, TV shows, or everyday life) to point out to your child that two people can have different interpretations of the same situation.
  • Kids can be unkind. While your 8 year-old can clearly understand how to tell time or add big numbers, they may not always realize just how hurtful their words or actions are to other people. Your child might only want to play with their best friend, and not notice how left out others may feel.  

It’s never too late to apologize.

If squabbles lead to name-calling and put-downs, talk to your child about how they may have made others feel. Realizing that they may have acted in a mean or unkind way – and apologizing for it – helps your child learn that there are things that they can do after a conflict to fix a relationship

Managing Not-So-Great Behaviors

From the classroom to the playground, your school-aged child encounters rules everywhere they go. Rules about playing, sharing, taking turns, what to wear, what to eat, and when to use our “inside” voices. Your child needs rules to guide positive interactions with others, and help them anticipate behaviors that could lead to conflict.

For every broken rule, there is a consequence.

Unfortunately, consequences involve a lot of effort for parents.

• “Consequences” look different for different kids, different families, and different behaviors. While some parents will take away an item or a privilege from a child, others will choose to add a “punishment” such as an extra chore.  

• Consequences are effective when they have a clear connection to the broken rule and are given as soon as possible.
  • If your child gets angry with you and knocks her drink off the table at a birthday party, her “consequence” might include cleaning up her drink and apologizing to everyone at the table.

• Consistently applying consequences after your child breaks a rule or does something “bad” can be really, really difficult.  Sometimes your too exhausted, too frustrated, or maybe even too embarrassed to handle your child’s meltdown in the moment. But consistency is so important. Talk to your child about what will happen if they break family rule, and try your best to carry out that consequence, no matter where you are.

Start small.  

Changing behaviors takes time and practice.  Start by thinking about consequences that are not-preferred for your child (e.g., having to clean up before dinner rather than after). These consequences end up being tasks that your child was likely going to have to do anyway…but ordered in a way that is less desirable for them.

• Sometimes your overtired child may just need a few minutes alone to calm down. Send your child to a safe, quiet place where they can sit by themselves for several minutes.
  • Taking a minute alone is a healthy way to cope with overwhelming feelings, giving them a moment to breathe and reflect on their behavior.  
  • Once your child is calm, have a conversation about the choices they could have made that might have led to better outcomes.

• Physical punishments are never appropriate consequences for your child.   

Screaming, swearing, and using spiteful words are not behaviors that you want to see in your child. Believe it or not, sometimes it is better to ignore “bad” behavior (and direct your attention elsewhere) than it is to pay attention to it and start giving out consequences.  As long as your child is not harming themselves or another person, ignoring attention-seeking behaviors can be a useful strategy.