Author: Ellen Flannery-Schroeder

Building Your Baby’s Self-Respect

Your child may still be your “baby”, but they are getting bigger and more capable every day.  Encourage independence – give them little jobs to build confidence and self-respect.  

When trying new skills, children learn through trial and error!  

• Allow your child to try new finger foods with – different textures, shapes, and sizes.  As their fine motor skills develop, your children will feel great pride when they can pick up the slippery piece of kiwi or honeycomb shaped cereal bites!  

• Sometimes children are just as surprised as you are when they are able to do certain things!

Coping with Loss

Children face many obstacles and difficulties that test their ability to cope and bounce back, and one of the biggest challenges is learning to cope with loss. From smaller losses such as the death of a family pet to more significant losses such as the death of a friend or family member, resilient children have the tools to grieve, cope with their feelings, and heal so that they can move forward.

Loss is a part of life, but that doesn’t mean that it’s easy – especially for a child. As a parent or caregiver, you can help support your child through this difficult time by:

Talking about the loss.

• It may feel like you are protecting your child by choosing not to talk about the loss with them, but the opposite is true! Use age-appropriate language to talk with your child about the loss, what it means when someone dies. Let your child ask questions and do your best to answer honestly at a level that your child will understand. For more tips on how to talk to children about loss, go to this link.

Validating your child’s feelings.

• There is no right way to grieve, and children may experience lots of different emotions after a loss. This is okay! Offer support to your child and remind them that their feelings are normal and that there are no “wrong” feelings.

Acknowledging and coping with your own feelings.

• If you have also been affected by the loss, you are likely experiencing just as many emotions as your child. Making time to process your grief while also supporting a grieving child can be difficult and exhausting – but it is incredibly important!
• Be a role model for your child by talking about your own feelings and identifying things that help you cope, whether it be a warm bath, a hot cup of tea, or snuggling with your little one. Acknowledging your own feelings will normalize the grief process for your child, letting them know that it is safe and okay to express their feelings.

Practicing self-care.

• If both you and your child are affected by the loss, daily activities such as eating, shower, and sleeping may feel overwhelming and can easily fall by the wayside. Try not to let this happen! As much as possible, stick with a routine to create some stability in your child’s life. Children find comfort in routine, and a little normalcy has the potential to provide a lot of relief for your child.

Finding a special way to say goodbye.

• Children and adults alike are able to cope with loss better when they are able to create closure. Work with your child to find a way to preserve memories and say goodbye in a way that feels special for them. For the loss of a pet, this may mean creating a collage of photos or a book of their favorite memories. Other children may want to release a balloon in a place that was special to the deceased, such as a park or the ocean. Find what works for your child and help them put that plan into action – whatever it may be.

Being patient.

• All children grieve differently, and the grief process may not be easy or straightforward. Grieving is hard. Dealing with loss is hard. If your child is not ready to share their feelings with you, be patient. One of the best ways that you can support your child is simply by letting them know that you love them and are there for them if they want to talk, need to cry, or simply want a hug.

Seeking additional support when needed.

• Grief can be isolating, overwhelming, and exhausting for both children and adults. It is okay to reach out for help! If you or your child needs additional support, consider reaching out to your pediatrician for resources or find a local support group in your area. Check out this link to learn more.

Be the Robin to their Batman

When your child is faced with a difficult situation, swooping in to save the day might seem like the “right” thing to do. But if you do, your child misses an opportunity to practice their own superhero skills and tackle obstacles in their path! As your kids grow up, they’ll need your help in fine-tuning these skills, so let them take the lead. The more they practice, the better equipped they will be when faced with the next evil villain or challenge.

Get gritty!

Encourage your child to see life as a journey that will include obstacles from time to time. Finding ways to forge on – even in the face of hardships and challenges – is known as grit! Children who have grit are more likely to be successful in coping with difficult situations.

Everyone makes mistakes!

Show your child that no one is perfect – including you.

Your child doesn’t live in a bubble.

It’s natural for you to feel the need to protect your little one from negative or upsetting events happening in the world. But they’re hearing about world events from their teachers, peers, and media coverage.  Have conversations with your child about things they may hear in the news or at school, making sure that you have an influence on the way they see and interpret these events.

• Don’t shelter your child from the negative events in the world – but do use age-appropriate language and concepts when discussing upsetting situations.
• When discussing “scary” or distressing incidents with your child, point out all the kind and caring people who have been brought together in response to this event.  Emphasize the bravery of firefighters and first-responders who work hard to keep people safe.
• Mr. Rogers once said “look for the helpers” – but don’t stop there! How can you and your family “be” the helpers? Talk about what you as a family can do to support those affected by difficult experiences or life challenges.

Help your Child Build Strong Connections

Having meaningful relationships with others helps build important skills, such as empathy and cooperation. When children have a sense of belonging, they feel supported, secure, and loved. A strong support network will help your child be better prepared to overcome life’s challenges.

Take advantage of the little moments.

Your family’s life is super busy. While you may not have endless hours to spend with your child, it’s not just the quantity, but the quality of time together that matters. A strong relationship with your child provides a foundation upon which they can build resilience.

• Create “special” time with your child to show them how important they are to you.
  • Plan time each day to do activities together, like arts and crafts, practicing reading, or matching socks.
  • Make special goodbye routines or secret handshakes with your kiddo.
  • Cuddle with them as you read together or watch a movie.
  • Find opportunities to cook, tell stories, garden, play make believe, or get active with your child.
• Although it can be tempting to respond to a text or quickly check an email that pops up on your phone, put away your electronics during these times.

• Sibling relationships will always have their ups and downs…some days they are peas in a pod, other days they won’t even want to breathe the same air! Remember: this behavior is typical of kids.  Encourage positive, supportive bonds between your children.
  • Let your children connect with each other without telling them what to do or say.  Help them to find common interests and share new experiences.
  • Teach your children to be kind to their siblings.  Being compassionate helps kids learn to put other people’s needs first and helps them to lean on each other.

Remember your child’s temperament plays a role.

You know your child probably better than anyone else. So, you’re well aware of their unique way of understanding and interacting with the world around them. Their temperament will define the types of experiences they will have throughout their lives. Keep in mind how they respond in different situations to support them during the ups and the downs.

Provide support to your child especially in times where they are having difficulty handling what is going on around them.

Your child’s temperament is not something they chose, so remember that they’re not choosing to do some of the behaviors that sometimes make things more challenging.

Understanding the Feelings of Others

Identifying and understanding emotions is about more than just being aware of your own emotions – it’s also about being able to recognize, and be sensitive to, the feelings of others. When children understand the emotions of their family, friends, and peers, they have stronger relationships and are more likely to recognize their own emotions too!

Learning how to recognize how others are feeling is hard, but it can be done!

Lay the foundation for your child to be sensitive to the experiences of family, friends, and peers by having open conversations with them.

• Talk with your child about different “clues” that they can use to figure out how someone is feeling. Some great clues include:
  • Tone and volume of their voice
  • Facial expressions
  • Body language
  • What they are saying
• Sometimes, it can be difficult for kids to understand how others might be feeling in a particular situation. When this happens, encourage your child to think of how they might feel in that situation in order to help them develop empathy and understanding for others.
  • If your child noticed another student sitting alone at lunch and mentions it to you on the drive home from school, you might say, “I don’t know how Sarah felt about sitting alone at lunch – and I bet you might not know either! How would you feel if you were sitting alone?”

Different strokes for different folks!

Being aware of others’ feelings takes work, but as a parent or caregiver, you have the incredible opportunity to be an example for your child – both by sharing your own feelings and by how you respond to others!

• You aren’t a mind reader, and neither is your child. Have conversations with them about the fact that different people may experience very different feelings in the same situation.

• • For example, although your child might love getting up on stage to sing in the school talent show, another child might be terrified to get on stage because they become nervous in front of large groups of people.

• Make “feelings talk” a regular part of your relationship with your child. Tell your child how you are feeling, and make observations about others’ feelings too.
  • For example, say, “I notice you’re  brother is frowning, his fists are clenched, and he was yelling. It seems like he might be angry. Maybe we should give him some time to calm down.”

Identifying and Naming Feelings

Although school-aged children usually have a pretty good grasp on basic emotions like happiness and sadness, it may be more difficult for them to identify complicated emotions like frustration, determination, and shame. Luckily, they have you! As a parent or caregiver, you can teach your growing child how to identify and name their feelings using some of the simple tips below. So have no fear – they’ve got this, and so do you!

What’s the Feeling?

From excitement at going to a friend’s birthday party to disappointment when losing a soccer game, your child likely experiences lots of emotions each day. While they’re probably able to identify and name most of them, they still have much to learn!

• Help your child identify and label new (and more complex) emotions, by incorporating them into your conversations.

• Big, bigger, biggest! Help your child identify different feeling words based on the “size” of their feelings. Turn it into a game to see how many different words your child can identify that mean “happy,” “sad,” or “angry.” For example, “angry” can be “upset,” “irritated,” “irked,” “furious” or “livid”!
  • If your kiddo is playing their favorite game, they may feel “happy,” but if they’re going to their favorite amusement park, they probably feel “ecstatic”!

Talk to your children about their emotions!

• Have frequent and unscheduled conversations with your child about the feelings they have and what made them feel that way.  Be open and accepting.
• Your children have their own, unique triggers for feelings and it is important not to minimize, dismiss, or reject their ways of responding.
• Help them think through their experiences and explore their feelings – looking for ways to make their feelings productive and useful.
• Use age-appropriate language to help label your kids’ emotions.

• • “I noticed that your head is down, your arms are crossed, and your eyes look watery. I am wondering if you might be feeling sad. Would you like to talk?”

Teach them about why emotions exist.

Let them know it is okay to have negative emotions and that these emotions can sometimes be useful. This will help your child learn that all emotions – even ones that feel yucky – are important.

• Explain how anxiety can help motivate us, anger tells us to defend ourselves, and sadness can remind us to appreciate the good things in our lives.
• Make sure that your child doesn’t feel embarrassed or ashamed for having negative emotions by encouraging them to talk about it.
• Although we want our children to be happy, experiencing negative emotions can help them understand and learn from these feelings. Knowing how to recover and endure periods of sadness, anger, or loneliness can help them to handle negative emotions in the future.

The next step for your child is figuring out how to manage these feelings. Click here to learn some ways to help your child handle strong emotions.

Coping with Loss

Life is filled with ups and downs, and even as a child, the downs can sometimes be extreme. Dealing with the loss of a loved one, friend, or family pet can be especially difficult for young children. Children at this age may not yet have a firm understanding of death, but there are many ways that you can talk to your little ones about death in a way that they can grasp. Although you cannot shield your children from all of life’s heartbreaking moments, you can help them develop healthy coping skills in the face of loss.

Keep it Simple.

• Children at this age may not understand that death is permanent. When speaking with your child after a loss, don’t volunteer to much information at once. Instead, let your child process what happened.
• Allow your child to as questions. Preschool-aged children may wonder, “Why or how did this happen?” It is important to listen to what they are saying and to answer to the best of your ability.

Be Direct.

• Saying “Our dog Bailey went to sleep” may be confusing for your child. Using euphemisms may make it more difficult for your child to understand what happened. Instead, use direct language, saying, “Our dog Bailey has died. Do you know what it means when someone has died?”
• Don’t be afraid to use words such as “death” or “died” when explaining what has occurred. This will help your child understand the difference between temporary loss or permanent loss.
• For more tips on how to discuss death with your child, check out this link.

Focus on Special Memories.

• Make a scrapbook with important pictures and favorite memories or share stories about happy times that your child had with the deceased.

Stick to Daily Routines.

• It’s normal for the family schedule to fall to the wayside when dealing with loss. Do your best to stick to your normal family routine as much as possible! Routines can be a source of comfort for young children, and it will help your child realize that life can still go on after death.

Support your Child in Their Grief.

• With loss, there will often be lots of tears…and if there are not, that’s okay too! Support your child by offering a shoulder to cry on, a snuggly teddy bear, or a fun activity to distract them and cheer them up.
• Regardless of your child’s initial reaction, let them know that you love them and that you are there for them no matter way.
• Remember that you may need time to cope with the loss as well. Allow yourself to grieve and express your feelings. Being able to acknowledge your own emotions will provide a positive example for your child and will help normalize the grief process for them.

For more information about helping children process their emotions after dealing with significant losses, check out this link.

Helping your child cope

The more that your child interacts with others, the more likely that they will encounter new, and sometimes challenging, experiences. With new experiences come new and often complex emotions, such as frustration, loneliness, and self-doubt. Learning to cope with these feelings is not easy, even for adults!  You can help your child practice different coping strategies so they are prepared to face difficult situations that they may come across in the future.

Life can be challenging at times and that’s okay.

Having the courage to trudge through the trenches of life is called “grit,” and children who have it are better prepared to cope with difficult situations. Encourage your child to:

1.  Handle challenging situations on their own.

• • If you let them avoid age-appropriate hardships, they may not be prepared to do so when they get older and you aren’t with them.
  • Give them the opportunity to work through something challenging, like building a block tower, buttoning up their coat, or using utensils without your help.

2.  View challenges as learning opportunities or “adventures.”

• • This can help them be motivated to seek out tasks that push them to grow.
  • If your child is going on their first field trip with their daycare, talk about how they will have the awesome opportunity to explore a new place, rather than focusing on the unexpected or parts of the trip you may be worried about.

Don’t let them flounder!

When your child is having trouble handling disappointment or recovering from a loss, it’s okay to help them out.

• Use emotion regulation strategies with them and encourage them to talk about their feelings and thoughts related to the situation.
• Help them discover what lessons they learned from their hardships by pointing out the “silver lining”.
• Grit develops over time, so don’t expect your little one to be an expert after just one challenge.

Helping your Child Build Connections

As a toddler, your child’s world is expanding, and you may suddenly find yourself running with them to playdates, preschool, and other activities. Helping your child make connections with others is critical for building resilience.

Quality over quantity!

It may sometimes feel like you’re always on the go. Take advantage of small moments throughout the day to show your child how much they mean to you. This will help them feel comfortable taking risks and facing obstacles because they know that you’ll be there for them no matter what!

• It doesn’t have to be a long time to be special! Just 5 to 10 minutes together talking about your day or doing fun activities (story time, arts and crafts, or drawing) can send valuable messages to your child about how important they are to you.
• Spend time together in the “no technology” zone. Always being on the lookout for emails, messages, or updates can mean that you’re missing out on important moments – and your child will notice. Put your phone on silent and give your little one your full attention.
• Moments that we may take for granted can mean a whole lot to our children. Having special bedtime routines, rubbing their back, and holding their hand are just a few little ways to show your child that you value and love them.

Encourage connections with other people

Your child interacts with many people, especially if they are in preschool or other organized social activities. Other people in your child’s life are important sources of support.

How temperament plays a role

Now that your child is having more interactions with others, you may notice that they approach things differently than those around them, which is not a “bad” thing. Every child is unique and has their own temperament. To help your child build connections and resilience, pay attention to what temperament style they have. When you are supporting them in how they interact and respond to the world, they’ll feel supported no matter what obstacles come their way.

• Remember that your child’s temperament is not something your child can choose. Sometimes, how they respond to new situations, change, or emotional experiences will not be how you want them to respond.
  • Be patient. Don’t get frustrated with your little one when their actions or responses seem like an “overreaction” or inappropriate. This is tricky – remember to take a deep breath and talk to them calmly.

• • Take their perspective! Although we have our own views on how to respond in situations, think about how your shy child may feel when you are introducing them to lots of new people at once.

• Provide support to your child especially in times where they are having difficulty handling what is going on around them.
  • Make smooth transitions between activities. If your little one becomes anxious when you leave them with family, a babysitter, or at day care. Don’t just drop them off and leave quickly. Take some time to help them feel comfortable and have clear goodbyes, so they do not feel tricked.
  • Let them do activities that they enjoy. If they love to play in large groups of kids or if they would rather play alone or with one or two other peers, let them!

Understanding Others’ Feelings

At this age, your little one has started to identify their own emotions, but it’s not too early to start teaching them how to recognize how others are feeling.

Talking about everyone’s emotions will increase your child’s ability to identify not only their feelings, but also others’ feelings too!

It’s not always easy for young kids to understand how other people are viewing or responding to different situations, but that’s where you come in! Here are some ways to help your child identify how other people are feeling:

• Encourage your child to think of how they might feel in a particular situation in order to help them develop empathy and understanding for others.
  • If your 5-year-old takes a toy away from her 2-year-old brother without asking and he starts to cry, say, “How do you feel when people take your toys without asking? I bet it makes you feel pretty mad. Do you think that your brother might be angry that you took his toy?”

• Begin to talk to your child about “clues” they can use to figure out how someone may be feeling. At this age, keep it simple by looking for “clues” in someone’s facial expressions and body language. “Clues” that someone is feeling angry might include a red face, clenched jaw, glaring eyes, or flaring nostrils.