Author: Ellen Flannery-Schroeder

Talking about Conflict

Your kids are learning about their thoughts and feelings.

But handling those emotions can be overwhelming. Kids can’t think clearly when their emotions are high. Figuring out strategies to help your child settle is a huge step toward effective conflict management because it enables them to engage in a productive conversation.

Support your child’s efforts to handle conflict by helping them learn how to talk about a problem with others.

• Feeling sad, angry, or upset can be a signal that something is wrong. Ask your child to talk about how they are feeling. Have them practice using “I feel” phrases to describe the problem, instead of assigning blame to others.
• Remind your child that it’s okay to feel frustration and anger, but it’s not okay to express those feelings by hitting, pinching or screaming.
• Have your child tell you what happened and how it made them feel. Offer help if they are having trouble figuring out why they are upset. Is it because they fell and scraped their knee? Or because their brother laughed instead of helping them get up?

For simple, in-the-moment strategies to help your child sort through big feelings, click here.

Help your child pick an appropriate time and place to discuss their feelings with others.

The middle of the library or the doctor’s office may not be the best place to have a meaningful conversation about a recent fight. Find a quiet space where there is little chance of being interrupted.

• After both sides have discussed their reasons for being upset, ask them to repeat back why the other person is upset. Understanding others’ perspectives can help them appreciate how their actions may have contributed to a problem.
• Avoid taking sides! Limit conversations to include only the people who were involved.

Your child looks to you for guidance.

Modeling effective ways to deal with annoyances and irritations gives them a road map for their own emotional journey.

• Be mindful of the way you respond to stressors in your life. Show your child that it’s okay to feel frustrated and to talk about those feelings with others involved. Watching you address problems with other people helps them understand that conflict won’t ruin relationships or diminish love, but it could make the situation feel better.   
• Everyone loses their cool from time to time. The “perfect parent” is a myth. When you yell at your children or say something unkind, apologize. Let your child know that we are all responsible for our actions and words, at every age, and that you will be more mindful the next time you’re having a big feeling.

Helping Your Child Build Empathy

Your child is learning that their words and actions can have a big effect on those around them, and can lead to both positive and negative interactions with others. Building empathy is a strategy for reducing conflict by empowering your children to take other people’s perspective.

Be kind. It’s that simple.

Set a family “rule” to use kind words with others, instead of language that is cruel or hurtful. While this may be easy to do when peace rules your household, it can be a challenge to continue using kind and respectful words when you are stressed or frustrated with one another.  

• Discourage the use of name-calling. Words like “stupid” or “dumb” are put-downs that can cause conflict to escalate quickly. Even if your child picks up negative words or phrases, make it clear that they are not appropriate.
• Help your child to understand the ways in which their behaviors and words affect others, for better or worse. 
  • “Walking in someone else’s shoes” is easier said than done. It’s hard for a 6-year old to see something from another point of view. Like so many important skills, it requires practice.
  • Look for opportunities (in books, TV shows, or everyday life) to point out to your child that two people can have different interpretations of the same situation.
  • Kids can be unkind. While your 8 year-old can clearly understand how to tell time or add big numbers, they may not always realize just how hurtful their words or actions are to other people. Your child might only want to play with their best friend, and not notice how left out others may feel.  

It’s never too late to apologize.

If squabbles lead to name-calling and put-downs, talk to your child about how they may have made others feel. Realizing that they may have acted in a mean or unkind way – and apologizing for it – helps your child learn that there are things that they can do after a conflict to fix a relationship

Managing Not-So-Great Behaviors

From the classroom to the playground, your school-aged child encounters rules everywhere they go. Rules about playing, sharing, taking turns, what to wear, what to eat, and when to use our “inside” voices. Your child needs rules to guide positive interactions with others, and help them anticipate behaviors that could lead to conflict.

For every broken rule, there is a consequence.

Unfortunately, consequences involve a lot of effort for parents.

• “Consequences” look different for different kids, different families, and different behaviors. While some parents will take away an item or a privilege from a child, others will choose to add a “punishment” such as an extra chore.  

• Consequences are effective when they have a clear connection to the broken rule and are given as soon as possible.
  • If your child gets angry with you and knocks her drink off the table at a birthday party, her “consequence” might include cleaning up her drink and apologizing to everyone at the table.

• Consistently applying consequences after your child breaks a rule or does something “bad” can be really, really difficult.  Sometimes your too exhausted, too frustrated, or maybe even too embarrassed to handle your child’s meltdown in the moment. But consistency is so important. Talk to your child about what will happen if they break family rule, and try your best to carry out that consequence, no matter where you are.

Start small.  

Changing behaviors takes time and practice.  Start by thinking about consequences that are not-preferred for your child (e.g., having to clean up before dinner rather than after). These consequences end up being tasks that your child was likely going to have to do anyway…but ordered in a way that is less desirable for them.

• Sometimes your overtired child may just need a few minutes alone to calm down. Send your child to a safe, quiet place where they can sit by themselves for several minutes.
  • Taking a minute alone is a healthy way to cope with overwhelming feelings, giving them a moment to breathe and reflect on their behavior.  
  • Once your child is calm, have a conversation about the choices they could have made that might have led to better outcomes.

• Physical punishments are never appropriate consequences for your child.   

Screaming, swearing, and using spiteful words are not behaviors that you want to see in your child. Believe it or not, sometimes it is better to ignore “bad” behavior (and direct your attention elsewhere) than it is to pay attention to it and start giving out consequences.  As long as your child is not harming themselves or another person, ignoring attention-seeking behaviors can be a useful strategy.

Praising Behaviors That You Want to See

Bickering with your child about their homework, negative attitude, or always leaving their dirty clothes on the floor can make life feel like one continuous battle. Improving children’s behavior doesn’t start with nagging and discipline – it starts with all of the things they do right! Recognizing and rewarding positive behaviors makes it more likely that those behaviors will happen again.

Kids mess up.

But for every goof-up or blunder, there are so many amazing things that your child does to remind you just how special they are. Keep an eye out for behaviors you would like to see again, no matter how small.

Praise, praise, and praise some more.

Noticing “good” behaviors with a kind word lets your child know that you can see the effort that they are making (and that you would love to see more!).

• When your child washes the dishes without prompting or helps their sister with their spelling homework, use specific praise such as “We are so grateful for your help cleaning the kitchen” or “Your sister is so lucky to have an older brother who takes the time to help out with homework.”
• The chance to stay up a little later to watch TV with Grandma or go on a walk with Mom are examples of social rewards that kids can earn for helpful or caring behaviors. 
• Giving rewards is not “spoiling” your child.  But remember – rewards should be earned, not given away or used as a bribe.

Caregivers can be quick to see the “bad” behavior in their child.

Yelling, cursing, and shoving are all aggressive, in-your-face actions that are hard to get past. Identifying the tiniest sliver of positivity in your child during an argument can help them focus on behaviors they should be doing and remind them that you are doing your best to give them support.

Talking About Conflict

Every parent has been there.

You see your sweet child erupt into a sobbing mess because “he won’t share” or “she pinched my arm” or “they won’t let me play.”  Whether it’s in the privacy of your home or in the middle of the park, conflict with your child can be really difficult to manage.  Your 6-8 year old still needs help in managing big or complicated emotions like embarrassment, shame, or jealousy, as well as finding the words to help them talk about conflict.

Your 8-year-old may have no problem talking to others when they are confident and cheerful. But that doesn’t mean that they can have productive conversations when they are feeling overwhelmed.  Your child will come across situations where they will have to stand up for themselves without the support of mom and dad. Here are some ways you can help your child manage conflict with others once they have calmed themselves down:

Help your child get to the root of the problem.

What emotions are they feeling? Why are they annoyed, angry, or sad? Who is involved? Are they responding to the actions of others, or exhausted from their sleepover last night?

• Help them to avoid language that blames others for a problem or disagreement; instead, encourage your child to talk about the way that they feel about the situation.

• If your child is having difficulty verbalizing their feelings, say “I can see that you are feeling angry; your face is turning red and your arms are shaking.  Is that how you are feeling right now?”

Support your child in choosing an appropriate time to address this conflict.  

• • If your child’s new habit of “borrowing” their younger sibling’s favorite board game is causing chaos in your home, help your children figure out the best time to talk to each other about the way they are feeling (after school, while she is playing quietly in her room, not while other siblings or friends are around, etc.).

• • You can’t always be around when your child is addressing a problem or disagreement with others. But you can help them prepare what they will say.
    • Help your child to express their feelings about a situation in a calm, even tone. This will take lots of practice – even for parents.
    • Teach your child that placing blame right off the bat or confronting others will make it more difficult for your child and their peers or siblings to come to an agreement.
    • Remind that speaking calmly abou the situation shows others that they have thought abuot the problem and are looking to find a solution that works for everyone.
    • Role-play! If your child is nervous or unsure of how to talk about a squabble at school, practice having that conversation at home.  What will they say if others start to get upset? How can your child discuss ways that they have contributed to the problem?

Repeat and reflect.

1. Teach your child how to listen to what others are saying and repeat it back in their own words.
   • When your hot-headed kiddo is on the warpath, they don’t want to hear what you or anyone else has to say. But everyone needs the chance to explain their “side of the story.”
   • Help your child listen to the others involved (“we were waiting for the swings all day!”) and ask them to repeat what they hear (“they just started their turn on the swings”).
2. It’s really hard for kids to “switch places” with another and see a disagreement from their perspective. (It’s really hard for adults, too.)

• • Your child is not going to learn this skill on their own.  When conflict arises in your home, look for opportunities to have your children listen and repeat back what they hear.

Conflict is not always bad.  

Conflict gives us an opportunity to see other perspectives, to reconsider our own values and knowledge, and to learn how to compromise and negotiate.

There are steps you can take to reduce conflict. Problem-solving is a valuable skill that can resolve disagreements. Building your child’s problem-solving abilities can improve their ability to settle disagreements and lead to school success and improved mental health.

For more information regarding problem solving, click here.

Model Effective Problem Solving Skills

Whether we know it or not, our children are always watching us!

They are observing how we deal with problems all the time. Let your problem solving strategies be examples for your children.

Think about how you solve your own problems. When everyday problems arise, talk aloud as you work through it.

You might say, “I have a problem. I planned to make spaghetti, but we’ve run out of spaghetti sauce. What do you think we should do? Should we make something else? I wonder what we could make.” Model your thought process and keep a positive attitude. Provide your child with an example of how to manage unexpected events. Involve your child by asking them to suggest their own solutions!

Promoting Independence

When your child is in a sticky situation, swooping in to solve the problem might seem like the “right” thing to do. But when you do, your child misses opportunities for skill building that come from solving problems independently.

Let them take the lead!

Offer guidance when needed, but encourage them to solve problems on their own. The more practice they get, the better prepared they will be for the next tricky situation!

Use problem solving to help your child become more independent.

• For example, if your child forgot to pack their water bottle for summer camp, you could ask, “What can we do to make sure this doesn’t happen again?”
• Let them develop some solutions on their own, and provide lots of praise and encouragement.

Allow your child to experience failure.

No doubt this will be uncomfortable at first, but allowing them to experience the natural consequences of their decisions is extremely valuable. When kids are given the opportunity to struggle, and even fail, they start developing critical social and emotional skills. No, you shouldn’t risk their safety or ignore your child when they are in need, but acting as a sidekick rather than their hero will help them in the long run.

Strong feelings can disrupt your child’s ability to problem solve.

Children (and grown ups!) need to be able to think clearly in order to come up with reasonable solutions to problems. Have them take a deep breath before thinking about different ways to solve the issue. When your child is able to think clearly, they increase their ability to control their emotions and calmly solve the issue at hand!

For more tips and tools in helping your child manage their emotions, click here.

Steps for Problem Solving

Whether it’s a conflict with another child or tough math homework, children face problems and challenges every day. Instead of getting frustrated when they encounter a problem, children with strong problem-solving abilities are able to manage their emotions, think creatively, and persevere until they find a solution.

Introduce a simple problem-solving process to your child, one that can be implemented anywhere and anytime. Try these steps:

As your child grows and changes, the problems they face begin to change too!

School-aged children may be confronted with difficult homework, disagreements with peers, and so much more. Help your child tackle big, or more enduring, problems by helping them develop clear and achievable goals that they can reach by taking it one step at a time. With your child, set goals that are SMART! This means the goal is…

Modeling Effective Problem Solving Skills

Let your own problem-solving strategies be examples for your children.

• Provide your child with an example of how to manage unexpected events and involve them by asking them to suggest their own solutions!
• Acknowledge when situations don’t go as planned. It is reassuring for kids to realize that adults make mistakes too!
• Think about how you solve your own problems. Model your thought process by saying your thoughts outloud and keep a positive attitude.

Identifying and Regulating Emotions

By this age, children are interacting with more and more children, and are learning new things everyday!

When unexpected events occur, and kids don’t know what to do, it is common for them to experience some powerful emotions like frustration, self-doubt, or shame.  

• It can be difficult to hear and see children when they are upset or frustrated, but they need to know that it’s okay to be upset. Responding to frustration with “I know it’s hard to wait your turn” or “I’m so sorry things didn’t work out the way you wanted” can help them come up with ways to understand the situation and feel better!

Help your child process big emotions.

Feeling upset can be overwhelming, and they can disrupt your child’s ability to think clearly. Teach your children that feelings come and go. We can’t choose our feelings, but we can decide what we will do with them.

• Children (and grown ups!) need to think clearly in order to come up with reasonable solutions to problems. Have them take deep breaths, and think about different ways to solve an issue. When your child can tolerate “big” feelings, they increase their ability to handle emotions, and can solve any problem they encounter.

 
For more tips and tools in helping your child manage their emotions, click here.