So we’re at Davis Field on a picturesque summer morning. It’s just warm enough to feel the heat on our skin, but not yet the kind of sweltering that makes us want to run towards the nearest air conditioner and live inside of it. The sun is rising higher in the sky, there is nary a cloud in sight, and we are making our way to the center of the field with our water bottles, a frisbee, and our puppy, Tugg. He is a ten month old Cavalier King Charles Spaniel, a breed we chose because of the dogs’ reputation for being sociable, affectionate, and patient. The latter quality is particularly important with young children in the house; he tolerates their noise and antics to a remarkably admirable degree. He is also quite playful, but really his favorite spot to be is cuddled in our laps or snoozing by our sides. Nevertheless, in spite of Tugg’s mellow nature, my husband bought a frisbee with rowdy flying disc games in mind, imagining our dog sprinting across grassy meadows, ears flapping from his speed and exertion, fetching the frisbee and bringing it back, ultimately begging for more of the same kind of fun.
It did not play out as such. Instead, my husband threw the frisbee a good distance across the field, and Tugg lazily trotted towards it for a yard or two before plopping himself down in the grass to chill out. Not one to easily give up, my husband recovered the frisbee, encouraged Tugg to give it another go, and threw the disc again…a bit closer this time. Tugg simply looked at it with indifference, and rolled onto his side for a rest.
“Here’s the thing,” I said pointedly to my husband. “You can’t turn a spaniel into a retriever.”
That’s probably not true; spaniels are agile and have an instinct for hunting, but the idea was not lost on my husband. Individuals have their own unique profiles that deserve acknowledgement and respect. Scientific classification is based on this principle; you have a large group, a smaller subgroup, a smaller subgroup still, and finally individuals. Each group shares common characteristics, but ultimately there is limitless diversity because whole species can be distilled into single creatures. For example, my husband and I knew that we wanted a dog as a pet because we understand that dogs have different qualities than cats or turtles or birds. We knew we wanted a Spaniel because we understand that they have different qualities than Greyhounds or Great Danes or Pugs. We knew we wanted a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel because we understand that they have different qualities than American Cocker Spaniels or Field Spaniels or Welsh Springer Spaniels. In the end, what we got was Tugg, and there is no other dog on this planet, past or present, or future, that will ever be like him.
When there are tragic accidents involving multitudes, we often refer to the number of “souls” that are lost and not just the number of people who died, because the word “soul” acknowledges that we are all human beings with special, singular identities. We have our own likes and dislikes, hopes and fears, and strengths and weaknesses. Just as we want others to see and respect who we are, so too do we need to extend the same courtesy of others.
As a mother, I have the responsibility to see my two daughters as separate entities. I can’t treat them the same, because even though they might argue otherwise, it’s not fair. The fair thing to do is treat each of my girls the way she needs to be treated; I need to communicate that doing so is a respectful way to parent and that I honor them by recognizing and responding to their uniqueness. Why would I put braces on my youngest because my oldest needs them? Why would I put a diaper on my oldest because my youngest wears one? These examples seem ridiculous, but they’re really no different than buying them the same clothes or signing them up for the same activities, which is really no different than expecting them to hit developmental milestones at the same age or to have the same academic strengths. I must see them, know them, and meet them where they are at, and I need to teach them to be similarly open and responsive to the people they encounter in their own lives. They can’t rely on stereotypes or stories or assumptions to inform their opinions of others. Rather, they need to see and respect diversity, getting to know and relate to individuals in order to best understand the world.
Tugg just isn’t going to be the kind of dog who wants to play frisbee. We understand that now. What he want is go for walks and romp around a bit and bask in the sunshine while laying in the grass. So that’s what we are going to let him do. Why? Because his place in our family is not contingent upon his playing fetch. We love him no matter what, and accept him just. as. he. is.