Conflict Management & Resolution

Responding to Not-So-Great Behavior

Your child is still young, and needs your help to understand what types of behavior are acceptable and how to make positive choices.

• Establishing rules, both at home and at school, will help your child understand what is expected of them, and helps to draw connections between their choices and the impact on others. Setting limits and having clear expectations also lets kids know what will happen if they behave in ways that are hurtful or harmful to others.

• Help your child understand the potential outcomes of their behavior by using “if…then…” statements. For example, “If you pick up your toys, then I will take you outside to play” or “If you hit your little sister, then you will sit in time-out for 3 minutes.”

• Make a list of “Family Rules” together and hang them where everyone can see it.
  • Make sure your list is clear and direct.
  • Discuss why each rule is important (don’t just say, “because I said so”).
  • Keep this list short, with fewer than 10 rules.

What to do when the rules are broken:

• Talk to your child about the consequences for breaking rules. Make sure that they understand that they get to make choices about their behavior – but that breaking rules or being unkind will result in a consequence like postponing a favorite activity or asking for extra help with household chores.
• Make sure the consequences are realistic, and whether or not you’re going to be able to follow-through. If you need your kids to watch TV while you get things done, then taking away screen-time isn’t realistic.
  • Be consistent. If your child is allowed to bite her sister today without a consequence, they will be more likely to continue doing so anytime they want.
  • Physical consequences are never appropriate.  

On some days, your lovable little one seems more like a small monster.

During these moments, be on the lookout for signs that your child’s behavior is the result of fatigue, hunger, or overstimulation. Having your child “take a moment” to be alone is a healthy way to deal with strong feelings.

• Physical conflict (e.g. biting, punching, and hair pulling) needs to be addressed in order to keep your child (and others) safe. With other behaviors, however, it may be better to ignore them rather than give them attention.
• “Ignoring” only works if you completely shift your attention away from your child. If possible, walk to a different part of the room and start talking to someone else to convey that you are not paying attention – but never stray too far.
  • If you are in a public place, and others look to intervene, you can tell them “We are ignoring this behavior right now.”

Consistency is key.

If tantrums are something that you are going to ignore, you must do so each time your child has a meltdown. Talk to other important adults in your child’s life, such as teachers and family members, to make sure they understand what behaviors are being ignored and what “ignoring” really looks like.

• One frequent source of conflict is following directions. Parents give their little ones a LOT of instructions, and it can seem like your words go in one ear and out the other.  
  • Break your directions into manageable chunks to help your child understna dna remember what you want them to do.
  • Be specific! Instead of saying “clean up your mess,” use percise instructions like “put the crayong on the floor back into the box.”
  • Give your child a little bit of time to follow through. If you tell your child “get ready for school,” but immediately start doing it for them, you’re sending the message that your directions are meaningless and that you’ll complete the task for them.

Don’t give directions if you are not ready.

Telling your child to get ready to leave, but continuing to chat with other grown ups for another half an hour communicates to your little one that they don’t need to listen to your instructions.