Conflict Management & Resolution

Talking About Conflict

Every parent has been there.

You see your sweet child erupt into a sobbing mess because “he won’t share” or “she pinched my arm” or “they won’t let me play.”  Whether it’s in the privacy of your home or in the middle of the park, conflict with your child can be really difficult to manage.  Your 6-8 year old still needs help in managing big or complicated emotions like embarrassment, shame, or jealousy, as well as finding the words to help them talk about conflict.

Your 8-year-old may have no problem talking to others when they are confident and cheerful. But that doesn’t mean that they can have productive conversations when they are feeling overwhelmed.  Your child will come across situations where they will have to stand up for themselves without the support of mom and dad. Here are some ways you can help your child manage conflict with others once they have calmed themselves down:

Help your child get to the root of the problem.

What emotions are they feeling? Why are they annoyed, angry, or sad? Who is involved? Are they responding to the actions of others, or exhausted from their sleepover last night?

• Help them to avoid language that blames others for a problem or disagreement; instead, encourage your child to talk about the way that they feel about the situation.

• If your child is having difficulty verbalizing their feelings, say “I can see that you are feeling angry; your face is turning red and your arms are shaking.  Is that how you are feeling right now?”

Support your child in choosing an appropriate time to address this conflict.  

• • If your child’s new habit of “borrowing” their younger sibling’s favorite board game is causing chaos in your home, help your children figure out the best time to talk to each other about the way they are feeling (after school, while she is playing quietly in her room, not while other siblings or friends are around, etc.).

• • You can’t always be around when your child is addressing a problem or disagreement with others. But you can help them prepare what they will say.
    • Help your child to express their feelings about a situation in a calm, even tone. This will take lots of practice – even for parents.
    • Teach your child that placing blame right off the bat or confronting others will make it more difficult for your child and their peers or siblings to come to an agreement.
    • Remind that speaking calmly abou the situation shows others that they have thought abuot the problem and are looking to find a solution that works for everyone.
    • Role-play! If your child is nervous or unsure of how to talk about a squabble at school, practice having that conversation at home.  What will they say if others start to get upset? How can your child discuss ways that they have contributed to the problem?

Repeat and reflect.

1. Teach your child how to listen to what others are saying and repeat it back in their own words.
   • When your hot-headed kiddo is on the warpath, they don’t want to hear what you or anyone else has to say. But everyone needs the chance to explain their “side of the story.”
   • Help your child listen to the others involved (“we were waiting for the swings all day!”) and ask them to repeat what they hear (“they just started their turn on the swings”).
2. It’s really hard for kids to “switch places” with another and see a disagreement from their perspective. (It’s really hard for adults, too.)

• • Your child is not going to learn this skill on their own.  When conflict arises in your home, look for opportunities to have your children listen and repeat back what they hear.

Conflict is not always bad.  

Conflict gives us an opportunity to see other perspectives, to reconsider our own values and knowledge, and to learn how to compromise and negotiate.

There are steps you can take to reduce conflict. Problem-solving is a valuable skill that can resolve disagreements. Building your child’s problem-solving abilities can improve their ability to settle disagreements and lead to school success and improved mental health.

For more information regarding problem solving, click here.