Managing Not-So-Great Behaviors
From the classroom to the playground, your school-aged child encounters rules everywhere they go. Rules about playing, sharing, taking turns, what to wear, what to eat, and when to use our “inside” voices. Your child needs rules to guide positive interactions with others, and help them anticipate behaviors that could lead to conflict.
Create a list of “Family Rules” together.
While younger children need specific guidelines regarding what is “right” or “wrong,” your school-aged child has some understanding of why rules are important. Let them contribute to the list, too!
- Make your list of rules brief, with no more than 10 items.
- Display it in a place where everyone can see it (like on the refrigerator or next to the clock).
- Review each rule and talk about why it is important.
- If your child breaks a family rule, make sure that she knows how her behavior affects others.
- Help your child learn from their mistake by brainstorming ways that they can deal with similar frustrating situations in the future without resorting to fighting.
For every broken rule, there is a consequence.
Unfortunately, consequences involve a lot of effort for parents.
- “Consequences” look different for different kids, different families, and different behaviors. While some parents will take away an item or a privilege from a child, others will choose to add a “punishment” such as an extra chore.
- Consequences are effective when they have a clear connection to the broken rule and are given as soon as possible.
- If your child gets angry with you and knocks her drink off the table at a birthday party, her “consequence” might include cleaning up her drink and apologizing to everyone at the table.
- Consistently applying consequences after your child breaks a rule or does something “bad” can be really, really difficult. Sometimes your too exhausted, too frustrated, or maybe even too embarrassed to handle your child’s meltdown in the moment. But consistency is so important. Talk to your child about what will happen if they break family rule, and try your best to carry out that consequence, no matter where you are.
Start small.
Changing behaviors takes time and practice. Start by thinking about consequences that are not-preferred for your child (e.g., having to clean up before dinner rather than after). These consequences end up being tasks that your child was likely going to have to do anyway…but ordered in a way that is less desirable for them.
- Sometimes your overtired child may just need a few minutes alone to calm down. Send your child to a safe, quiet place where they can sit by themselves for several minutes.
- Taking a minute alone is a healthy way to cope with overwhelming feelings, giving them a moment to breathe and reflect on their behavior.
- Once your child is calm, have a conversation about the choices they could have made that might have led to better outcomes.
- Physical punishments are never appropriate consequences for your child.
Screaming, swearing, and using spiteful words are not behaviors that you want to see in your child. Believe it or not, sometimes it is better to ignore “bad” behavior (and direct your attention elsewhere) than it is to pay attention to it and start giving out consequences. As long as your child is not harming themselves or another person, ignoring attention-seeking behaviors can be a useful strategy.